Self Hypnosis for Dummies - Voodoo edition
by FleaBee
Summary: Guybrush has had enough of his porcelain phobia is ruling his life. One-shot.


**Self Hypnosis for Dummies - Voodoo edition**

Written for The Review Lounge, Too 2015 Green Room Challenge. Challenge Three: It's So Hypnotic!

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 _From the personal log of Guybrush Threepwood - Mighty Pirate._

 _I'm currently living my worst nightmare, stuck floating in the middle of the sea, sitting on a throne made of porcelain off the coast of Dinky Island. I am not sure what is worse; sitting on a toilet made out of my biggest phobia or the sharks that are currently swimming around me. I'm seriously contemplating throwing myself to the sharks, that's how much I fear the porcelain._

 _My porcelain phobia is starting to rule my life. I can't even check the mail any longer in case someone has gifted my wife something made out of porcelain. Only last month Elaine and I were invited to have dinner with the new Governor of Scabb Island. I made a scene and embarrassed Elaine when I realised I had been eating off a porcelain plate. I thought I was going to DIE! With all the porcelain vanities and toilets being installed, I'm beginning to develop a fear of going into public toilets. Even ones that aren't infested with porcelain._

 _How did I end up here, in the middle of the sea on a floating porcelain toilet? It all started when I walked into the Voodoo Lady's shop in an attempt to find a cure to my porcelain phobia..._

\- Monkey Island -

"Hello, are you here Voodoo Lady?" I called out, turning around expecting her to pop up at any second from some hideaway like she normally did.

I touched everything possible, the rubber chicken with the pulley in the centre; the gross wall of jars with eyes, bugs, and other gross things I couldn't even identify. If I couldn't find the secret button, she usually showed herself after a while. Usually, at the point just before I accidently break something important. I walk backwards into a totem pole. It goes crashing to the ground. I jump back and narrowly avoid being hit by the pole. Several important looking vials come crashing down. It looks like a cannon ball has hit the shop. That would've bought the Voodoo Lady out if she was here.

"Eureka, I found the lever." The chair had turned around to reveal a note.

I picked up the note.

 _Guybrush Threepwood,_

 _Your attempt to hypnotize away your fear of porcelain will fail. I will warn you not to trying to cure yourself. Your attempt to cure yourself will end up cursing you. If you don't head my warning, you can find me in my shop on Plunder Island._

 _The Voodoo Lady - Home of all your Voodoo needs_

I looked around the shop. On the bookshelf, I could see a book on self-hypnosis. "No harm in looking." I picked the book up and headed back to the Governor's Mansion.

\- Monkey Island -

I kept it a secret from Elaine that I was trying to cure my fear of porcelain. I wanted it to be a surprise. When I managed to conquer my fear she would no longer have to check the mail first, check our visitors didn't bring porcelain with them, limit the places we visited. I'd been reading the book for three days now. Everything must turn out alright. Otherwise, the Voodoo Lady would've been in the shop.

I opened the self-help book to the section of covering fears. Over the past seventeen hours, I'd collected all items I needed. A feather from a moose, the mint of a drunk pirate, a fish, a cup of water, yellow bluetac, something made of or representing the item I had a phobia of.

I mixed the items in a bathtub, throwing them in one at a time. Repeating the phrase. "I no longer fear porcelain, I no longer fear porcelain, I no longer fear porcelain." I turned on the sport three times still saying the same phrase. I then looked in a mirror and jumped three times while still repeating the same phrase. "I no longer fear porcelain."

The spell didn't work. I had done something wrong. I wasn't hypnotised. I still feared porcelain. The spell hadn't done anything. Or that was what I thought until I looked into the mirror again. I had turned myself into the thing I feared. I was a porcelain statue!

"I've turned myself into po-po-por-celain!" I scream out. I'm trying to remain calm, but it's impossible. I've turned myself into the thing I fear most.

I can't help but have a panic attack. After several minutes of running around the mansion, I calm myself down enough to read the book. Attempting to find a cure for the curse I'd accidentally put on myself. The book was no help. I tried performing the spell in reverse, but it did nothing. I was still a porcelain statue. On the bright side, at least I can move and talk still. When I accidently cursed Elaine and turned her into a gold statue, she couldn't do anything. I at least of the means to un-curse myself.

\- Monkey Island -

The voodoo shop is still as trashed as it was the last time I visited. I look through everything in the hopes of finding a cure but find nothing. I need to visit Plunder Island and get help from the Voodoo Lady. Elaine isn't going to be happy with me when she finds out. I'm forbidden from attempting magic anymore. Especially after creating the Cursed Cutlass of Kaflu didn't go well, and cursing turning Elaine into gold and almost destroying the world when LeChuck used the dimension rift I'd opened and a few other mishaps.

I go ahead and ensemble a crew to go with me to Plunder Island. Carla the Sword Master and Otis both refuse to go with me. They have been part of my crew twice before in the past and still hung up about leaving them on Monkey Island and accidently destroying my ship the Sea Monkey while they were on it. Meathook, on the other hand, agreed to come with him. In the shipyard, I found Captain Kate Capsize, who also agrees to go with us, and allow us to charter her boat. The final member of our crew is Haggis McMutton, who had previously been a member of my ship the Sea Cucumber. He was currently on holidays and needed to go back to Plunder Island anyway.

With my crew assembled, we set sail for Plunder Island.

\- Monkey Island -

The crew was beginning to drive me mad. Haggis kept singing. Meathook had inspirited for a new book and was writing. It was awkward watching him dip his hook into an inkwell and attempt to write without tearing the paper. Kate was treating the trip as a tour and kept point everything out.

"And off to our right, you will see Dinky Island." Kate pointed out using her tour guide voice.

"What do you mean Dinky Island!." I shouted at her. "Dinky Island isn't even near Plunder Island."

She was correct. I had been to Dinky Island once before when I was looking for Big Whoop. It was still surrounded by the same Voodoo fog.

"This will make a lovely painting," Meathook exclaimed. Trading his writing implements for art supplied.

Haggis began singing about mystical Voodoo fog.

"We should steer away from the Voodoo fog." I ran to the ships steering wheel, trying to direct them away from the fog. None of the crew listening to me at all. In me desperation to steer away from the fog I managed to steer the ship into a rock. The ship exploded on impact. I flew through the air, landing on the porcelain floating toilet. None of my crew insight. I don't know if they are dead or alive. If they are alive, they will probably go on the list with Carla and Otis of people who never want to be on a crew with me again. The Voodoo fog has cured me. I am no longer porcelain. That is about the only advantage of the situation I'm currently in.

I pull out my journal and begin writing about what has happened so far.

\- Monkey Island -

 _... that brings me up to now. Stranded at sea, no longer cursed, but also not cured of my phobia. It is taking everything not to jump into the sea with the sharks. I will never see or hear my wife again. What I would give to hear her voice even if it was only one more time. I must be hallucinating, I can see and hear her right now. She looks as stunning as ever, walking on the water like that. I'm obviously suffering from dehydration and heat stroke._

\- Monkey Island -

"Guybrush!" I heard my wife call out again. She sounds more insistent this time. I stop writing in my journal and look directly at her. She looks so real even though she is walking on water. "I was so worried about you. Everything's going to be alright now."

"Are you real? How did you find me?" I asked her.

"Yes I'm real, so are you. You're in the pool Guybrush, sitting on a duck flotation device." She told me.

Looking around I could only see the ocean, the floating toilet and the sharks and Elaine.

"I've been to Plunder Island and got a spell from the Voodoo Lady to break the hypnosis curse you put on yourself. I found her note in the shop."

"I'm not hypnotized. I tried to hypnotize myself, but it didn't work."

"Guybrush sweetie, you ran from the house screaming that you'd been turned into porcelain when you hadn't been. You're still on Melee Island, currently in the pool. It's taken a lot of effort to keep you here and stop you accidently killing yourself. I've had Meathook looking after you while I've been away. Now will you let me remove the curse."

I nodded to my wife. I trusted her, more than I trusted myself. Even if she was only an illusion.

I didn't hear or see what she did, but everything turned back to normal. The only think that had been real from my hallucinations was my journal and the entries I'd written in it.

I watched as Elaine jumped into the pool. She swam to where I was still floating. I was the luckiest man in the world to have her as my wife.

"Guybrush, you should've mentioned to me that you wanted to do something about your phobia. I would've been able to help, and we would've avoided the mess the past week has been." Elaine hugged me.

I was grateful to have such a supportive understanding wife. Not many people would be able to put up with the trouble I cause by accident.


End file.
